Friday, August 12, 2011

Information Superhighway

Late nights, wandering around aimlessly on the web, awaiting for something to pique my interest. No, not that interest...dirty you. I feel like I might as well be standing with my thumb out on the side of the superhighway.

When I am in that state, I am most vulnerable. Vulnerable yes, but also impatient. I want my information ready for me at the drop of a click, in a manner in which I can easily digest. No long upload times, no confusing websites. Having said that, it amazes me that in 2011 people still put out shit websites. You are the hunter and I am the hunted. Your bait has got to be better than that!

Your website cannot be as useless as THE TAN CAN.

Yes, that is a tanning coffin. WTH??

Since I write another blog about the hospitality industry, I thought it would be great to use a wine vendor site as my first example.

FIrst of all, kudos for trying to be hip and artistic, but I really don't wanna play "Where's Waldo by having to hover over stuff to find the live links. Most importantly, WHY?!!! OH WHY??!!! would you force anyone to scroll horizontally??!!
That warrants a
ED Lover is rolling around in his bed right now! It's a wine site for crying out loud! That means I am an alcoholic, I mean wine buyer/connoisseur, right? I want my alcohol info now and you wanna play hide the bottle with me? If you click on “Find Us,” it’s impossible to get back to the home page. Even hitting the [back] button doesn’t help. The problem with offering News is that you need to update your news. The last news item was from September 22, 2009. FAIL

So what goes with a good glass a wine? Some pampering, I say! Thus bringing us to our next site.

This site is full of all kinds of ridiculous stuff. It's like a teenage myspace page gone bad with the glitter, butterflies, cheesy music, swans, mad blue background, growing flowers, scrolling words, multiple fonts, poor transitions and littered with crap images. They do, however, have a back shot of a nude women laying on her side. Does she work there? Maybe not to shabby after all;)

Now, I would just like to talk about some sites based on product/services offered. I can't help myself. Hehe!
Are your pets embarrassed about being neutered? Their four-legged friends need never know, thanks to Neuticles--implants that restore the look of their recently removed body parts. Yes, these cosmetic cojones are no joke; prices start at $73 a pair.

Not to be confused with BumperNuts, which provide a similar service for your car.
Sadly, this is exactly what it says it is. Think Priceline for face-lifts and tummy tucks. No, I am not joking.

Honorable mention on content alone: (Don't judge me! Inmates need love too)

In 2011, we have access to all kinds of wonderful technology and information. Children are computer savvy and have learned to record themselves, create short films, blog, edit etc. There are tutorials on pretty much anything on Youtube or So when I am surfing the internet and stumble upon websites that don't give me what I need, when I need it...I simply let the next one pick me up and hope to reach a more desired destination.

I'm totally cool with having my thumb up, but I'm not gonna show a little leg just to get there.
See ya around!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

"That" Person

Speaking of technology, let's talk about "that" person.  You know who they are.

The person who you call and instead of answering, responds in a text message, asking, "What's up? You called?"
Um, yes, to talk to you dumb ass.
I will even one up that.
WHEN, has it become o.k to do the following via text:
1. Break up with some one
2. Tell them someone has died
3. I'm going to be late for work or not coming in
4. Boss: "ur not @ work. i see you right now"
5. You are fired.
6. I'm divorcing you.
7. I am pregnant
8. It's not mine
9. I'm in love with you
10. I really enjoyed "last night."

lol. Seriously though, besides being a straight punk...what is it that makes people feel like this is acceptable?

Because you can actually think about what you're going to say? Hand craft the perfect excuse, lie or truth without immediate consequence? Hand them a telephone, and they will say something stupid into it. Hand them a telephone with someone they like on the other end, and they will say something really stupid? With a text, you can plan, and yes, even revise.

Are phone calls just painfully awkward?

Even if you have perfect elocution, a great speaking voice, and fantastic oratorical skills, factors such as poor cell-phone reception or other interruptions (another call, an ambulance driving by, a barking dog) can lead to uncomfortable interruptions. There's nothing worse than speaking to someone on the phone for the first time and having to continually say "Wait--what? Sorry, can you hear me? Wait, hold on, walking by construction site..." over and over.
If the these things are an issue...THEN WAIT!Is it because you think a good text message will say a lot about a you? A perfect text message requires wit, brevity, and flirtation. A good texter is smart, sharp, and good with words. I am still working on the brevity. Additionally, someone who uses unnecessary text abbreviations, or, god help them, emoticons is immediately ruled out as a potential anything.

Maybe, because texting can be great foreplay? It's a prolonged flirtation that can span the course of the week or day leading up to a date. You better live up to the standards you have put forth buddy if you think there is nothing sexy about a perfunctory "let's set up a date" call. Sure, a text is "to the point", and on a purely utilitarian level more efficient than calling when it comes to making plans. But are you really looking for "efficiency" in your dating life? The auditory satisfaction one gets from another asking for their time is attractive.

Perhaps, you are you too shy and a text lets you write what you're too shy to say. Sometimes, especially during the early stages of dating, it can be hard to straight out say the things you're feeling, especially if you're unsure of how it will be reciprocated. A "You looked beautiful last night" or "I had an amazing time with you" the next morning is a safe (and always appreciated!) way of doing this. Safe is boring!! Take a risk! Grow some cojones!! (Balls;P )

Remember, a text is forever and that goes both ways. I can get an excellently crafted text and I will save that thing forever. Just the same if I get a messed up text (argument) I can keep it and bring up "the proof" ;)

At least there are no phone transcripts and you can always say, "I didn't say that. You must have misunderstood." lol

So, yes pick up the phone, but call - instead. If you have something really messed up to say, be prepared to be hung up on. lol

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Polaroid Picture

Our world is saturated with telecommunication.  I knew this when my mother, who I thought would escape unscathed from this hostile takeover, sent me a text message. Then shortly after that, my daughter hit me up from her smart phone and began keepingin contact with her friends on gmail!  

We now live in an environment that nurtures impatience, since we live in an instant gratification society.  Instant coffee, digital camera's, web cams, online banking,  text messages, On Demand and so goes the list.  I knew it was becoming a problem for me when I went to pay my Georgia Power bill online to learn that they do not accept credit or debit.  When I called, they would only take that kind of payment if you paid a $5 surcharge.  So I thought, "Well I will go to a payment location then."  Turns out, they don't accept that method of payment there either, so I had to walk to the ATM and pay a terminal fee to pay my bill and I was SO angry. Who doesn't accept DEBIT or CREDIT cards in late 2008? Oh, Georgia Power doesn't!  That whole experience ruined my day and then I realized how reliant I had become on this instant technology.  

Yesterday, my On Demand was down and I called Comcast angry as all hell.  Why? Cuz it's ON DEMAND!  Not to mention, they now have a new policy where if you want to set up service you must pay UPFRONT before they even show up at your house.  Folks, we are talking installation fees, deposit and the first months bill.  So basically, you fork over about $400, and in turn you get to stare longingly at your beautiful new plasma that you bought and hope that these bastards decide to show up at the time they said they would.   They showed up all right, of course at the last possible hour in the time frame given.
So far they have set up my wireless incorrectly.  I ended up returning their router and setting up my own network.  Every 5 minutes I would get a message that said my network has been compromised and I would be kicked offline.   Now my new cable box for the second TV, isn't getting a signal.  Though, they have $400 of my money, they so kindly informed me that they couldn't get anyone out to me till 4 days from today.  Why?? I gave you money before I even had service, so that means I wanted a technician yesterday before the problem even occurred!! 

I don't even want instant gratification.  I want things before they happen or I think it! 
 Damn technology! lol.  

It's so funny, because now you go into clubs or lounges and they have those photographers that take photos of everyone.  So, of course when you get your photo taken, you want to see it, immediately!  Back in the day, you just had a camera with film and it was a mystery whether you took a good pic or an unmentionable.  You would have to pose in the mirror and really get to know what your good face was so you didn't "waste film."  You also would hate the "one person" who messed up what would otherwise be a good photo.  Now you can just photoshop or cut that person out entirely, thus preventing an argument or two:)  

That got me thinking of where I thought it all started. 
As I went down the time line, I came to the conclusion that it was the polaroid camera.  
The picture we could see right then...
after fanning it for a few minutes;)
Damn instant opened up Pandora's Box.
Now we all need anger management.